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The Insecurity of Girls With Only Guy Friends

Ever meet that girl who seems to only have guy friends? I'm sure you have. She's that girl whose Facebook pictures alway has her surrounded by four other guys. It'll be a different group of guys each year - but it's always the same girl. She says doesn't like any of them and claims none of them like her. So you conclude she just has a lot of guy friends.

It's actually easier to spot these girls in a church context. Just go to a retreat and watch closely. She's that girl who hangs out with the dudes during free time; or she'll ask a guy to teach her how to do something like shoot a basketball; or she'll disappear late at night with another guy into the woods (but they just "talked" - Christian version of a one-night stand).

You know these girls - and so do I. But we tend to just dismiss them as shady or warn others to stay away. But before going there, I'd want to understand the issue a little bit better. So based on my experience, here are some general observations about these types of girls.

1. Girls With Only Guy Friends Struggle Relating With Other Girls

Many of these girls have that one close female friend they spend time with. But for the most part, they tend to make friends only with the male species. Ask them why and you'll get a response like this: "I just struggle relating with other girls" or "I'm just more comfortable talking to guys - less drama."

Why do some girls feel this way? It may not be her fault - it could be that other girls are simply not nice to her (I'll explain later why this may be so). Or it could be that they enjoy the way men treat her. After all, men will often do things for a girl that other girls wouldn't (e.g. pull out their chairs, give them their coats, pay for lunch, etc.). 

2. Girls With Only Guy Friends Seem Really Cool to Guys
Guys are drawn to this type of girl because she seems so much cooler than other girls they encountered. Girls who have only guy friends tend to be interested in what guys talk about, can hold their liquor, enjoy watching sports and are generally into "guy stuff." And guys are drawn to this because it's fun to have someone so different yet so similar to them.

Note: Girls who play sports don't necessarily fall into this category. After all, a lot of athletic girls tend to have a lot of girl friends due to team camaraderie and fellowship.

3. Girls With Only Guy Friends Are Usually Pretty
This is kind of messed up, but girls who only have guy friends tend to be on the prettier side. In fact, that's why she's able to get so many guys to befriend her. Guys like being around pretty girls. So combine that with the "cool factor" and voila - men are drawn to her.

Another messed up observation: there are some girls who struggle relating to other girls but don't have many guy friends because, well, men aren't attracted to them. So they end up having maybe one close guy friend and mask their disappointment with bitterness or anger towards men. And this poor close guy friend ends up absorbing all her bitterness.

4. Girls With Only Guy Friends Use Their Guy Friends Against Their Boyfriends

When a girl like this gets a boyfriend, she won't drop all her guy friends. Instead, she'll put them on "stand-by" meaning she won't hang out with them as much, but she'll still keep in touch. No more late night talks and laying in bed together "as friends" - but random facebook chats and text messages persist.

However when she gets into a fight with her boyfriend, you can bet she'll turn to those guy friends. At best, she may just want another guy's perspective. At worst, she wants to get her boyfriend jealous. Personally, I think such girls simply want the comfort of a male figure - the type of comfort they want from their boyfriends. But when they don't get it, they (intentionally or unintentionally) turn to another male companion.

5. Girls With Only Guy Friends End Up Having No Close Friends
Girls like this don't realize how much time they're wasting by investing so much in these male relationships. I'm not saying girls shouldn't befriend guys. But one day this girl will get married and she's foolish to think that her future husband will be ok with her continuing to spend so much time with "her boys." 

Perhaps it's true that these girls just have a difficult time relating with other girls. But I feel like it's better to figure out why this is so and working on the issue rather than escaping to the arms of male companions. Otherwise they'll end up being that girl with who has trouble selecting her bridesmaids and that lonely wife who realizes she has no deep friendships outside of her marriage.

6. Girls With Only Guy Friends Find Their Validity in Men

In my opinion, I feel the primary problem with these girls it that they desperately want to be validated. It doesn't mean that they like every guy they hang out with. But they seem to want to know that they're acceptable to the opposite sex. There are various reasons why girls may want this. Dad didn't give her enough attention. Ex-boyfriend traumatized her with infidelity. Consequence of the Fall. Whatever the reason - she seems to long for a man's approval. 

In other words, the problem is that deep down inside, these girls are extremely insecure. Maybe that's why most girls don't like them - they can sniff the attention she desperately wants from men. That's why most guys will hang out with her and maybe hook up with her - but they'll never consider marrying her.

And that's why girls like this should not be dismissed as simply brash or shady or dangerous. She's likely a broken, anxious and insecure human being who just wants to be loved. Therefore the worst thing people - esp. other women - can do to her is dismiss her. She needs companions who can accept her. She needs a type of confidence that can secure her. And most especially, she needs a Savior who can ultimately fulfill her.

Next Week: Observations about guys with only girl friends

thomas hwang82 Comments