The Longing of Guys With Only Girl Friends
Last week I gave my observations about girls who tend to have only guy friends. But lest you think this is only a female issue, I'm now going to look at the opposite spectrum. Though they're more rare, there are guys who seem to have a lot more girl friends than guy friends.
When you see this type of guy, you initially think he's a "player" or "shady." And there are some guys who are like this. But I'm talking about the guys who don't seem to have ulterior motives. They simply just like hanging out with girls. You may think such guys don't exist, but I beg to differ.
These are the "nice guys" - the type who girls find safe to talk about their drama with. And unlike most dudes, these guys actually enjoy this type of camaraderie with girls. As a result, they seem to hang out a lot more with their girl friends than with other dudes. Who are these guys? And why are they like this? Based on my personal experience, here are some general observations.
1) These Guys Are Often Misunderstood
Most often other dudes who encounter this type of guy will misunderstand him. Again, they'll see this guy hanging out with girls & presume he must like one of them. So when they see him talking to one of these girls, they'll think, "There he goes." In reality though, this guy is probably just listening to her "boy drama" and getting friend-zoned in the process. But what separates him is that he doesn't mind getting friend-zoned.
The typical guy can't understand this. "Why on earth would a dude would want to talk to a girl for an extended period of time?" The only way he can make sense of this is to believe that this guy has ulterior motives ("he likes her") or to dismiss him as feminine or gay. But that's too simple. Unfortunately though most dudes don't want to think beyond simplicity so guys like this will often develop a bad rap amongst other guys.
2) These Guys Are Often Viewed as Chumps
The bad rep though isn't just amongst other dudes. This guy also develops a rep with girls. This is more tongue-in-cheek, but guys like this often end up being chumps. He's going to end up being "that guy" - that guy who understands girls; that guy who'll one day make a great husband but never for the girl who tells him that; that guy who every girl likes but no girl wants.
In other words, he's that guy who the girls can confide in to share about their issues with the "bad boys." And what's nice/sad is that this guy isn't aware or doesn't mind being "that guy." While I feel kinda sad for the type of girls who only have guy friends, I feel kinda bad for the type guys who only have girl friends.
3) These Guys Often Feel Out of Place
One reason these types of guys talk to a lot of girls is because he struggles relating with other guys. After all if you listen to any group of dudes, you'll likely hear talks of girls, sports, fantasy leagues or humorous anecdotes. It's not like these types of guys don't like talking about these "manly" subjects. They just want more substance.
In other words, these guys feel out of place with other dudes because they see the triviality of "guy talk." They see the superficiality that serve as the foundation of most male friendships and they long for something more. Conversely, girls tend to get deeper in their conversations. They don't need an activity to get them going - just put them in a coffee shop and the conversation will flow. And these types of guys want that.
4) These Guys Long For Intimacy
I would argue that the primary reason these types of guys befriend girls is because they long for intimacy. Sure they enjoy fun-filled, activity-oriented relationships that other dudes provide. But these guys tend to be intuitive and want a deeper human connection. They want to share their thoughts and feelings - the building blocks of intimacy.
However most dudes don't want to go there. Guys tend to be emotionally retarded so they often struggle in their interpersonal relationships (just ask any wife). But girls tend to be more willing to get this personal and are better at building such intimacy. So these types of guys find more of a connection with girls. Again, what's interesting is that he doesn't like this girl. He just enjoys the relational longing that she fulfills in him.
Note: If these guys thought long enough about why he doesn't like this girl, he'll probably end up feeling confused.
5) These Guys Potentially End Up Being the Loneliest of Guys
I argue that both sexes often end up feeling alone if they only know how to befriend the opposite gender. Most wives will not be cool with their husbands listening to another girl's issues at 2:00am. But I think these guys have it worst than girls. After all, it's tough for these guys to feel connected to other dudes because a lot of dudes don't know how to offer the platonic intimacy they crave. But once these guys get married, all their female friendships will likely be over.
I can say this from personal experience. I befriended a lot of girls when I was younger. It wasn't because I liked them. I simply enjoyed the deep friendships that they offered. Late night talks. Deep sharing. Real intimacy. But do you know how many of those girls I'm still close with? Zero. I can't remember the last time I called or texted a girl to simply talk. And I'm pretty sure my wife wouldn't appreciate it if I ever did.
My encouragement is for these types of guys to not let the lack of connection they feel with other dudes stop them from connecting with other dudes. Otherwise, they'll only try to connect with only girls and then get married and have no friends and instead place all the intimacy you long for upon your wife's shoulders. And that's too much pressure for her.
Instead, get deep with other guys. They may not know how (emotional retardation) but you can help them grow in this way. After all, they eventually need to know how to connect with their future wife and kids. You can help them get a head star in this. And as a result, you'll likely have friendships that last beyond marriage.
By no means am I saying that we shouldn't befriend the opposite sex. In fact, I think there are strong reasons we should. But we shouldn't dismiss the David-Jonathan types of friendships that we're meant to have with people of the same gender. Though the opposite-sex genders may sanctify and complete us, the same-sex genders often understand and help us.